I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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