I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
