new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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