my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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