i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
