My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
