dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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