I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
