Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
