I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
