i just sent this text using only my big toe
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
