a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Randomize
