I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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