But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway