we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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