I seem to have left my pride at pride
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Operation Purity has been aborted
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
