That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
