cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
