Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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