The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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