sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
