just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I have aggressive nipples.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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