she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
