I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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