Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
