It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
