this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
