You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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