I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
