If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
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