I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
