I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
