We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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