I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
