I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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