Pappa wants mamma naked
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
