Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
My vagina is very pro this idea
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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