you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
