I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
