mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
