I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
