Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Someone came in the potted fern
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
