Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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