you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
