Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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