seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
