he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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