is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
