I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Randomize
