I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
