I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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