I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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