this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
