Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Randomize
