I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
