He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
