I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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