this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
