I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
