i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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