If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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