party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
