Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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