is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
The beers last night were like the tears from god
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
