Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
